Cosmonaut’s Day (The K-Hole)

 After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say
"I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
William S. Burroughs

forty years ago yuri gagarin was stuffed into a spacesuit

the spacesuit stuffed into a space capsule ground control said keep quiet bitch don’t you dare yank the iv tubes from your veins or dig the sensors out of your skull or we’ll fuck you up with electric shock so that you’ll lose what’s left of your cosmonaut’s brains or inject you with acid or ketamine so that you’re left a vegetable for the rest of your life or a fruit

but you’re already a fruit though already a cosmonaut

yeah you know exactly what we’ll do to you

remember nicholson in one flew over the cuckoo's nest?

remember mcdowell in a clockwork orange?

we too will torment you with droppers

prod you with pincers

someone said TAKE OFF someone gave the signal with his hand

 

after nine months valentina tereshkova immaculately conceived delivering gherman titov

fans almost tore them to pieces on la place pigalle

the whole of montemartre was showered with leaflets

in protest the americans pulled their athletes from the olympics

why the fuck did you piss yourself bitch?

why smear sustenance from your tubes onto the viewport?

so everyone cries earth earth

everest ain’t shit compared to the 21-kilometer high mountain on mars

then why are you fucking around so nesting upon rugs and crystal and chestnut wood and mink coats valentina?

tina tina be a good girl don’t you piss yourself again in the spacesuit you see others will have to use it after you all those cosmic whores with unwashed and unshaven cunts

 

13 years later i was born

my father demanded my mother abort

I DON’T WANT THIS SNOT-NOSED KID – he said

16 years later – my first attempt at suicide

a reinforced concrete freezer outside our window

all the contents of the medicine cabinet in my tiny stomach

MY DAUGHTER’S A BEAUTY BUT STUPID AND THEN THERE’S MY SON WHO’S SMART BUT A FREAK – my father’s favorite phrase

my father’s name was yuri

19 years later – the cops beat the shit out of him broke his back and a couple of ribs taking his signet ring

the time had come to get the fuck out of siberia

23 years later – i stole a collection of commemorative cosmonaut stamps from my best friend at school was damned forever started a traitorous notebook where i described in minute detail the various ways of eliminating my parents

 

there was another lad who preceded gagarin during the selection process

he distinguished himself based on superior proportions and remarkably rosy cheeks

sergei korolev stumbled before him while inspecting the formation of young able trainees in white underwear

the lad was castrated in his sleep prior to preparation for takeoff so that he wouldn’t ruin expensive sheets and the spacesuit

LET HIM BE OUR COSMIC EUNUCH – said korolev and proceeded to jerk off on the taxidermied space dogs belka and strelka

but the lad just didn’t measure up to the role of hero

was burned into space dust in the sweaty atmospheric stratums

40 years went by and the brits legalized human cloning

 

getting laid was just as complicated as getting drunk

everyone tried to get by the best they could

grechko and sevastianov secretly humping each other in the kitchen module of the soyuz-apollo station

at first it was tricky to figure out how to catch sperm so it flew all over the station occasionally smearing across someone’s face or the monitor’s screen

everyone getting high according to their own taste

some on pills some on powders some intravenously

mutual misunderstandings layered one on top of another

they say those who’d been in the k-hole had been to outer space

I’VE BEEN THERE I’VE DONE IT

zero-gravity like a resonating slap complete atrophy of the sense of time and place ridiculous oxygen legs good-for-nothing legs constant cotton-mouth bright-yellow urine and stomach cramps from all the vitamins

the night i met rubin one type got so high that he tried to walk on the ceiling just a bit more and he would take off as all the while rubin was grinding his teeth

 

according to the stories of my chemistry teacher gagarin was a fucking awesome lover decorated with medals up the ass

she would suck yuri’s heavy balls while gazing at his official portrait hanging just above his head now swollen from alcohol and drug abuse

chemical olympiads were prone to inconceivable airiness

later it became necessary to stick our hero in a nut-house

the fucking drunkard had too much on his mind

according to the official version he died during routine training his remains burned down completely but then again here’s a shred of his communist party membership card with the phone numbers of his girlfriends and drinking buddies

33 years later he was canonized by the sect heaven’s gate on a ranch in santa fe not far from san diego

39 americans seeking their fortunes committed collective suicide in hopes of a better life on mars some were voluntarily castrated

in accordance with the teachings of the leader of the sect marshall herff applewhite they were to be immediately evacuated by flying saucer

the leader had a hoarse voice and washed out watery eyes

 

soviet cosmonaut’s day, 12 april 2001, new york city

Translated from the Russian by Margarita Shalina and Slava Mogutin