Dreams Come True

 

as i witnessed myself getting double-fucked on screen

i realized that i will never again be content or fulfilled

ashamed or embarrassed

i won't blush and cover my face with my hands

i will never again lose my mind over a lost love

i will never again be sincere because i simply don't know what that means

this is how dreams come true

from now on i’m going to look at life through the dim prism of this experience

wherever i go everyone will turn to look at me

whisper and point fingers and trying to tame me offer food drugs or sex – the three things my uncomplicated life consists of

three whales on which my suddenly empty universe rests lonesomely

yes it's true that whenever i'm in america they wait for me in europe

and the other way around

all the time someone breathes heavily into the receiver masturbating at the other end of the line (if there in fact is an end or a line)

but what does it matter to me

what do i care about the geography of someone's obsessions and someone else’s compulsions when my soul is like a burnt-down vacant lot or a noxious waste dump covered with snow

my phone book is filled with names of those who'd be happy to use me from behind from below or from above

i have nothing to retort with my mouth and ears are cluttered with some impenetrable cotton wool i am trying to say something but instead only a handful of senseless interjections squeezes out of me

all that i know and remember are my poses

my poses

my poses

the automatic robotic quality of those poses

the shaved head

the glassy stare

the broken lines of my body and the sinister german speech on the set like the announcement of a verdict: every word can carry fatal consequences

it’s hard to tell whether i am laughing or crying

squirming from pain or bliss

i have no escape from this curve of my neck the grimace of my twisted arms

this is the vision that will be pursuing me for the rest of my life

blinding floodlights

cameras entering my throat and my guts

i had an epiphany at that moment

i truly lost my memory

i was in some kind of nirvana while they almost tore my ass

the producer calls trying to get me to do additional filming

i was again seen on german tv – naked as ever

never again! – I tell myself trying to appeal to my willpower but all the same with my heart stopping i lift the receiver to dial his number

this must be fate

 

November 18th 1998, Berlin

Translated from the Russian by Vitaly Chernetsky